Meltdown

I have to come clean about something. I have a mild form of dissociative disorder. It's a survival mechanism from childhood. I'm pretty good at it. As I gained weight, I didn't really notice it. Not that it has anything to do with the disorder, but when I was pregnant with my second child and 247 lbs, diabetic, and on insulin, it mattered. I was clinically aware that I had a weight problem. I knew I needed to protect the baby and myself. I did what was medically necessary and lost weight, following doctor's orders and taking multiple insulin shots daily. Constantly checking my blood sugar actually helped me stay in touch with the reality of what food did to my body.

But, I never really looked in the mirror or had any photos taken of me. There were a few, but somehow, I just didn't see them. I chose not to see them.

In April, when I started back at WW and made that commitement to really do it this time, really get healthy, I still didn't really take a look at myself. I just wouldn't. I was 203 lbs. By the time I started Amy's 15 week challenge, I was 189 lbs. I was feeling better, and my clothes were baggy.

I still didn't look in the mirror or look at photos. Then came the parade last weekend.

Photos were taken.

The outfits we wore were not flattering to my body type.

I am in charge of the website.

I saw the photos.

For the first time in probably 10 years, I really saw what I had done to myself. Not all the hard work I'd put in the last few months. Not what I'd accomplished the past few weeks. I saw what I'd done to myself over the past decade. A decade of neglect. A decade of abusing food and putting everything else in my life first except for my own basic, physical and spiritual needs.

I had a meltdown.

I lost it.

I really cursed a lot.

Then my husband got extremely mad at me. He says that I often choose to see the negatives. I need to reframe things and force my brain to see the positives. He says that he's been getting a lot of comments from people around the dojo (karate school) about how much improvement they've seen in my skills, and people have been noticing that I've been losing weight. He says that even I commented that Chris, a 12 year old on our demo team, had noticed I had lost weight. And how often does a 12 year old boy just out of the blue complement a 38 year old lady on losing weight?

Sometimes my husband is way smarter than me and gives me the kick in the pants I need.