Emotional baggage

I am crying almost every day. I shed tears for no reason. It isn't like usual depressive episodes that I used to get a long time ago. Those would last a long time and involve uncontrollable sobbing. These are short, surprising tears that come quickly and leave quickly. If I try to think about why I may be sad or have reasons to be sad, I can induce some great crying episodes, but why would I want to do that to myself?

Cognitively, I think I know why this is happening. I am finally able to process my grief. I am mourning the loss of our former lifestyle. I am mourning the loss of my career, which I gave up willingly. I could have stayed in my old job, which I loved. I had a job that paid very well. My family would have still had financial problems, but it would have been easier to manage a budget and pay off debt. We still would have been living month-to-month, but our income would have at least matched our outflow. Right now we are literally sending out more money out than we are bringing in.

But, back then I was commuting 3 hours a day and saw my family very little. I fell asleep while driving to work and sometimes while driving home from work. It was dangerous. I could take a nap before driving home, but that put me even later getting home. I wasn't working out, so I was getting fatter and fatter, and my home was very untidy because I didn't have time to clean.

There were drawbacks. But, I was so happy at work. I was being challenged daily and being rewarded emotionally by people for helping them.

The job I have now pays so much less. I get attacked nearly every day for trying to do my job. (I am a curriculum specialist at an elementary school - elementary school teachers can be so freaking mean because they have no idea what non-classroom teachers do all day. They think that we don't do anything since we don't have a classroom of our own anymore.) I have to be on guard constantly.

Here's a very mild example: I turned the corner in the hallway two days ago to find a finger in my face, "Hey, where's our math stuff!" (Not a "Hi Brandi, how's your morning?" first or anything.")

(Me, not knowing what the heck math stuff she was referring to.) "Uh, what math stuff."

"Our math tablets that come with the textbook adoptions."

"You'll have to ask T- She's in charge of the..." (Interrupted at this point before I could finish the sentence.)

"Okay." (Teachers turns her head and starts giving instructions to her children who are lined up in the hall.)

Another example is that my desk was stolen right out of my room and all my stuff was dumped into a plastic sack on the floor. Apparently since I don't have students, I don't need a desk. Mind you, there are empty classrooms in every wing of our school with empty desks that could have been taken. There was no reason my desk needed to be taken and my personal stuff dumped out on the floor.

I am so sad at work now because I now know what it is like to be appreciated for my uniqueness and my intelligence. (At my old job) I was surrounded by "my people." I worked with people as smart and as "geeky" as myself, and it was okay. I was okay. I was accepted.

When I went out to campuses, they treated me like I was special because I was usally quite a bit smarter than the average person on the campus, and I fixed their computer problems. They thanked me for it. I was appreciated. When I went back to my cubicle, I was accepted as just one of the guys. It was great. I miss it so much I'm crying while I'm typing this.

I'm in mourning.

We really don't have the money for it, but some of my computer friends from the last job posted on Facebook about Star Wars in Concert coming to the Toyota Center in October. There will be a symphony orchestra, laser lights, and huge movie screen showing scenes from the movie. There will be original props from the movies. My husband is taking me. Some of the guys from work are taking their wives. I am so happy about going.